1. Get boxes of condoms
and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set
all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail
of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee
and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares,"
and see what happens.
5. Put some M&M's on lay away.
6. Move
CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping
department. Tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from
the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin
to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone???"
9. Look
right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose
vigorously.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission
Impossible.'
11. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the
clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
12. In the automotive
department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK
ME!!!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position
and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go to the fitting room and yell really loudly....."Hey we're out of toilet
paper in here!"
*
* * * * * *
THE VC PROPHET MIYAGI SPEAKS WISE WORDS FOR ALL FLYING MONKEYS
TO UNDERSTAND.
(Miyagi don't know what he mean. Miyagi just say.)
Man
who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man with hand in pocket feel
cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for
girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who
jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who fart in church must sit in
own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man
trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot
walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to
bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Man who has itchy butt should not bite nails.
Learn to masturbate -- come in handy.
Woman who pounce
on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for
wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
Best way to avoid
punch, no be there.
Fight fire with fire, and illusion with illusion. But
if a baseball comes hurtling at ya: DUCK!
To steal ideas from one person
is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research.
I like work; it fascinates
me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Men are born with two eyes but with
one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say.
Politicians
are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.
Man
with pie in head is good mathematician.
Man caught in black hole is going
nowhere fast!
* * * * * * *
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF (in)SANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer
at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom.
Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior
Princess@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time
someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5)
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it.
7) Develop an unnatural
fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone
has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the
memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
10) Reply to everything
someone says with, 'That's what you think.'
11) Finish all your sentences
with: 'In accordance with the prophecy.'
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor
so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others
that you like it that way.
13) Don't use any punctuation.
14) As often
as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are and
laugh hysterically after they answer.
16) Specify that your drive-through
order is 'to go.'
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry
recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss
shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does.
(This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.
For example, 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3.'
21) Put mosquito
netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
22) Five
days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're
not in the mood.
23) Call 999 and ask if 999 is for emergencies.(don't do
this!)
24) Call the physic hot line and don't say anything.
25) Have
your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, 'I Won! I Won! 3rd time this
week!!!'
27) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, 'Run
for your lives, they're loose!'
28) Tell your boss, 'It's not the voices
in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do.'
29) Tell
your children over dinner. 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one
of you go.
30) Every time you see a broom, yell 'Honey, your mother is here!'
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
31) Copy this entire file and make sure you send this as an e-mail to everyone
in your address book, even if they sent it to you first or asked you not to
send them junk like this.
* * * * * * *
SO,
(all you grammar Nazis out there) YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE TOUGH ENOUGH TO TRY TO
LEARN ENGLISH?
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only
for the brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse
at your leisure, English lovers.
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it
had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to
desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present
the present.
8) A bass was painted
on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10)
I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12)
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close
to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are
present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16)
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was
too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got
number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20)
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate
this to my most intimate friend?
22) They're their relatives there.
That
is why a woman who cooks greens and peas in one pot, is considered unsanitary.
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't
invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat. Hotdogs are not dogs.
We take English for
granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One
index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not
one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If
a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language
do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo
by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a
fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You
have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn
up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which,
an alarm goes off by going on.
Sometimes I think all the English speakers
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. English was invented
by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which,
of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they
are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why
doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
Honorable mention that if pro is the
opposite of con why isn't progress the opposite of congress. (Heh, it is, isn't
it?)
Finally, what does this spell: GHOTI
* * * * * * *
