Featuring Guests TINY BLEAR as Moderator, and guest
YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN via remote satellite video from his Secret Downlow Crib!
Seated
in the audience as challengers to all are: THE FLYING MONKEYS!
==============================
TINY
BLEAR: Welcome all, live from Vadyan Clique headquarters in Arkham Massachusetts.
We will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.
PRESIDENT
SHRUB: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the Vadyan
Clique, one of the great institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout
the world.
QUEEN SHEROMAY: Propulsion of freon
throughout the world? But the AC is on in here! You know, I use non-non-aerosol
hairspray. Oh girls, I bought this great stuff...
(VOICES):
Shhhhhhh!
SAY DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': Thank you, Great
Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may find some common ground between the
Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress and America's desire to
destroy the Middle East.
PRESIDENT SHRUB: Do I
answer that?
FLYING MONKEYS (in unison): Yes!
YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: The Many Arms of Almighty
Allah shall stretch forth and entwine the infidels and cast them into the pits
of the outer hells, which are between the spaces we know! And as a foulness shall...
JEFF
GERBLES: (interrupts): You idiot. You have Allah confused with one of the Old
Ones.
YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: Actually, I was
speaking eloquently about Yo Mamma. The lady who birthed you is older than Methuselah,
and her stench is known in our lands as a foulness. And she shall feel the wrath
of Allah when Allah comes down from his Mother Ship to caste the judgement upon
her. (Takes a swig of his 40 Ounce Islamic Malt Liquor).
PROLLY:
Hey Yosamma, didn't I see you sittin' down by the subway beggin' on change with
a styrofoam cup? Is that what you spent my quarter on, a 40 Ounce? I want my money
back!
PRESIDENT SHRUB: Ahem, Mr. Blear, should
I answer any of that?
TINY BLEAR: No, you need
not answer. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with
al-Qaida?
PRESIDENT SHRUB: I do not.
TINY
BLEAR: The question is for President Say Damn.
SAY
DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': As I told the world clearly and simply, if I had links with
al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world.
But since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such
links.
YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: Allah shall smite
you down, Say Damn, for you are an Infidel of Babylon. You have turned your back
on the true ways of Allah and embarked on the evil path of modernization and education
and equality. The true way of Islam, which we embrace, rejects the ignorance of
modernization and forbids the true men of Allah from listening to the tittering
of females.
PRESIDENT SHRUB: I don't have ties
to al-Qaida neither nor. Mr. Blear, did that evil beast just hurl an insultifying
remark against Mrs. Shrub?
QUEEN SHEROMEY: (to
Yosamma) Oh, listen Butch; your Yo Samma Mamma was a tittering hyena, down on
all fours, crawling around in the sand with a cigar up her twat. You have serious
gender issues. You sure you ain't in the closet, Loretta?
PROLLY:
Yeah, and she probably had a clit bigger than Yosamma's pee pee. Ha haaaa.
YOSAMMA
BEEN LAIDDOWN: Abomination! How dare you speak thus to the avatar of Allah? Allah's
hands are at your throat, yet you see them not!
JEFFREY
GERBINS: Uh...
TINY BLEAR: The second question
is for Mr. Shrub. Mr. Shrub, if America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who
would win?
PRESIDENT SHRUB: That's easy. America,
right? (looks around) America?
PROLLY: Probably,
except we Americans might end up victims of terrorist attacks from fanatics like
Yosamma over there.
YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: I
am not a terrorist. I am a freedom fighter. I come to bring love into the world,
to all the chosen of Allah!
SAY DAMN WHO'S SAYIN':
I know the answer! America would win! Even I knew that one!
THE
SHOGGOTH TROLL: No, France would win. It's always the French, you see. (looks
around, realizes he's in the wrong place, and decides to shut up)
PRESIDENT
SHRUB: Yes we would win because the great United American States of America are
on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made
up of Iraq, Korea and... how many are in an axis? Three?
PROLLY:
Say what? You dumb mofo.
TINY BLEAR: President
Shrub, I think you're allowed as many as you like.
PRESIDENT
SHRUB: OK. Um, Iraq, Korea, France, Lichtenberg and California.
QUEEN
SHEROMAY: What? Isn't the Axis of Evil one of those Satanic orgs?
JEFFREY
GERBINS: Yeah, I think it's a music project involving Gilbore, Boiled Rice, and
some metal band.
QUEEN SHEROMAY: They get inspired
by flushing toilets and vomit, right?
MORE MASTERS:
No no, those are the Asses of Evil.
SAY DAMN WHO'S
SAYIN': I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis
of Evil or Satanic organization.
PRESIDENT SHRUB:
Who am I thinking of then? Irania?
TINY BLEAR:
Let's move on. Say Damn, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2
missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?
SAY
DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called
weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons,
we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not
exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms.
ONE DARKNESS:
Mr. Who's Sayin, how do you know they don't exceed 150 kms?
PROLLY:
Doesn't this have something to do with Ontology? Or Materialism? One of those.
Like the Observer's Paradox – like if the U.N. looks at the stuff, then they
don't exist, and if they don't look, they do exist? Or something about Schroedinger's
Canary?
LUCY'S FUR (seductive voice): Schroedinger's
Cat. His pussy cat.
YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: Abomination!
They speak! Those women spoke!
PROLLY: Shut yo
bitch ass up, you punk ass misogynist mofo.
LUCY'S
FUR: Don't make me take my earrings off.
QUEEN
SHEROMAY: Oh! Lemme see those earrings? They'd go great with my new...
TINY
BLEAR: (interrupts) Ahem, please let's have order!
ONE
DARKNESS: How do you know they don't exceed 150 kms? Can you please answer that?
SAY DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': I've tested them myself
many times, and we don't have any.
TINY BLEAR:
The final question is for Mr. Shrub. Mr. President, is there any way that Say
Damn Who's Sayin' can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to reach
a negotiated solution?
PRESIDENT SHRUB: Listen
to me. It's very simple. First Say Damn must compile 214% with the UN inspectorates,
and I mean activated compulsion not passivist compilation.
TANI:
(half-asleep) Hmm? Don't you know that yin is more powerful than yang?
(yawns).
YOSAMMA
BEEN LAIDDOWN: Quiet, you evil woman. I am in control of Iraqus Desert Power!
I am the successor to the great Moad-deeb!
QUEEN
SHEROMAY: Oh my stars! Earth calling Yo Samma, hello?
PRESIDENT
SHRUB: Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the
next one coming, 1441B I think, which will require him to disarm even more fully
that! Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destructionism
he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally,
there is one more task he must preform, which I am not at liberty to revulge.
And
even that will not be enough.
PROLLY: Huh?
JEFFREY
GERBINS: He's speaking in tongues!
PRESIDENT
SHRUB: We require nothing less than total disarmature.
SAY
DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': OK.
TINY BLEAR: I defer to
the VC Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr. Colon Poo. Mr. Poo, what is disarmature?
POO:
Ah, it means, "the action of disarming" according to the OED.
PRESIDENT
SHRUB: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.
SAY
DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': If it means peace, I will do it.
PRESIDENT
SHRUB: Too late.
POO: Mr. Who's Sayin', Did you
know that your proper name is an anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?
VAD
BORG: Sushi with the exact right red wine is delicious.
QUEEN
SHEROMAY: Mmmm, red wine with cheese.
TANI: (stirs
in armchair) The Three Cheeses make the Big Cheese. The three is one. But that's
that. Then there is this. Thisness is everything. Thatness is the One Darkness
which is the Unknown.
ONE DARKNESS: No, I'm part
of the thisness. I'm known. Go back to sleep.
YOSAMMA
BEEN LAIDDOWN: Abomination! She spoke of this and that! And what is this and that?
Allah is the All in One and the One in All! Allah is coterminous and coexistent
with all space and time, even!
JEFFREY GERBINS:
Uh... Have you been reading the Necronomicon?
SAY
DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': Yes, I've heard them all. But what's this and that?
IN
UNISON: Don't ask.
YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: Infidel
Dogs! Allah will smack down the Unrighteous with his stiff sword of the Righteousness
of Islam. All the righteous men shall rule the women, who will henceforth be known
as property.
LUCY'S FUR: (fists clenched) You
piece of towel headed, camel screwing, dog shit.
QUEEN
SHEROMAY: Oh, you say it girl.
PROLLY: Yosamma,
yo mamma was a bitch ass ho, yo sista is a bitch as ho. Yo wife is a bitch ass
ho.
ONE DARKNESS: Whassamatter Yosamma, your
girlfriend left you for another guy? You're a pinky-dicked klippoth!
JEFF
GERBLES: Oy! That's a Jewish term.
PRESIDENT
SHRUB: I don't eat sushi. Is there, persance, a fish option?
TANI:
(starts to wake up from all the noise) Fish person?
PRESIDENT
SHRUB: We are going to bomb Iraq, there is no alternator!
QUEEN
SHEROMAY: Leave E-rock alone, you can download great MP3's from there.
MINISTER
OF THE SINISTER: Bomb Turkey! I hate Turkey and my grandma's stuffing sucked.
I hated it all, I hated the sauce I hated the white meat I hated....!"
PRESIDENT
SHRUB: (interrupting) Son, you should study geographities with more attentioness
and seriousation.
MINISTER OF THE SINISTER: (in
a daze) Mmmmm, French fries....
MORE MASTERS:
Uh oh, he's going into fits... what's happening.
QUEEN
SHEROMAY: (holds head) Oh my stars! Is there a doctor in the house? She, I mean,
he is having a positive fit there. Aaahhh! Now I went and messed up my hair.
ONE
DARKNESS: He's having a Big Mac Attack.
SAY DAMN
WHO'S SAYIN': I am not! Iraq does not possess the chemical weapons technology
available to launch a Big Mac Attack.
PRESIDENT
SHRUB: You lie! Clinton was seen in this photograph, which I give my word was
not doctorated, eating Big Macs with both Say Damn and Yosamma while selling newculer
secrets to the Chinese.
MINISTER OF THE SINISTER:
Fries... need French fries.... greeeeeeese. I want greese!
PRESIDENT
SHRUB: Greece has been our stalwothrious ally on our heroinacious fight against
France and their capitulatorial stance towards Iraq.
PROLLY:
Say what? Double dagone, man.
TANI: (perks up,
wide awake now): DAGON? Oh! My lover! Where?
ALL
IN UNISON: You are in the wrong skit. Go click to the other url.
JEFF
GERBINS: Oy vey. Such a day. This is a debate?
