Between President Shrub and Say Damn Who's Sayin'

Featuring Guests TINY BLEAR as Moderator, and guest YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN via remote satellite video from his Secret Downlow Crib!

Seated in the audience as challengers to all are: THE FLYING MONKEYS!


TINY BLEAR: Welcome all, live from Vadyan Clique headquarters in Arkham Massachusetts. We will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.

PRESIDENT SHRUB: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the Vadyan Clique, one of the great institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the world.

QUEEN SHEROMAY: Propulsion of freon throughout the world? But the AC is on in here! You know, I use non-non-aerosol hairspray. Oh girls, I bought this great stuff...

(VOICES): Shhhhhhh!

SAY DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may find some common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.

PRESIDENT SHRUB: Do I answer that?

FLYING MONKEYS (in unison): Yes!

YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: The Many Arms of Almighty Allah shall stretch forth and entwine the infidels and cast them into the pits of the outer hells, which are between the spaces we know! And as a foulness shall...

JEFF GERBLES: (interrupts): You idiot. You have Allah confused with one of the Old Ones.

YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: Actually, I was speaking eloquently about Yo Mamma. The lady who birthed you is older than Methuselah, and her stench is known in our lands as a foulness. And she shall feel the wrath of Allah when Allah comes down from his Mother Ship to caste the judgement upon her. (Takes a swig of his 40 Ounce Islamic Malt Liquor).

PROLLY: Hey Yosamma, didn't I see you sittin' down by the subway beggin' on change with a styrofoam cup? Is that what you spent my quarter on, a 40 Ounce? I want my money back!

PRESIDENT SHRUB: Ahem, Mr. Blear, should I answer any of that?

TINY BLEAR: No, you need not answer. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with al-Qaida?


TINY BLEAR: The question is for President Say Damn.

SAY DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': As I told the world clearly and simply, if I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world. But since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such links.

YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: Allah shall smite you down, Say Damn, for you are an Infidel of Babylon. You have turned your back on the true ways of Allah and embarked on the evil path of modernization and education and equality. The true way of Islam, which we embrace, rejects the ignorance of modernization and forbids the true men of Allah from listening to the tittering of females.

PRESIDENT SHRUB: I don't have ties to al-Qaida neither nor. Mr. Blear, did that evil beast just hurl an insultifying remark against Mrs. Shrub?

QUEEN SHEROMEY: (to Yosamma) Oh, listen Butch; your Yo Samma Mamma was a tittering hyena, down on all fours, crawling around in the sand with a cigar up her twat. You have serious gender issues. You sure you ain't in the closet, Loretta?

PROLLY: Yeah, and she probably had a clit bigger than Yosamma's pee pee. Ha haaaa.

YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: Abomination! How dare you speak thus to the avatar of Allah? Allah's hands are at your throat, yet you see them not!


TINY BLEAR: The second question is for Mr. Shrub. Mr. Shrub, if America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

PRESIDENT SHRUB: That's easy. America, right? (looks around) America?

PROLLY: Probably, except we Americans might end up victims of terrorist attacks from fanatics like Yosamma over there.

YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: I am not a terrorist. I am a freedom fighter. I come to bring love into the world, to all the chosen of Allah!

SAY DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': I know the answer! America would win! Even I knew that one!

THE SHOGGOTH TROLL: No, France would win. It's always the French, you see. (looks around, realizes he's in the wrong place, and decides to shut up)

PRESIDENT SHRUB: Yes we would win because the great United American States of America are on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of Iraq, Korea and... how many are in an axis? Three?

PROLLY: Say what? You dumb mofo.

TINY BLEAR: President Shrub, I think you're allowed as many as you like.

PRESIDENT SHRUB: OK. Um, Iraq, Korea, France, Lichtenberg and California.

QUEEN SHEROMAY: What? Isn't the Axis of Evil one of those Satanic orgs?

JEFFREY GERBINS: Yeah, I think it's a music project involving Gilbore, Boiled Rice, and some metal band.

QUEEN SHEROMAY: They get inspired by flushing toilets and vomit, right?

MORE MASTERS: No no, those are the Asses of Evil.

SAY DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis of Evil or Satanic organization.

PRESIDENT SHRUB: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

TINY BLEAR: Let's move on. Say Damn, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?

SAY DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms.

ONE DARKNESS: Mr. Who's Sayin, how do you know they don't exceed 150 kms?

PROLLY: Doesn't this have something to do with Ontology? Or Materialism? One of those. Like the Observer's Paradox – like if the U.N. looks at the stuff, then they don't exist, and if they don't look, they do exist? Or something about Schroedinger's Canary?

LUCY'S FUR (seductive voice): Schroedinger's Cat. His pussy cat.

YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: Abomination! They speak! Those women spoke!

PROLLY: Shut yo bitch ass up, you punk ass misogynist mofo.

LUCY'S FUR: Don't make me take my earrings off.

QUEEN SHEROMAY: Oh! Lemme see those earrings? They'd go great with my new...

TINY BLEAR: (interrupts) Ahem, please let's have order!

ONE DARKNESS: How do you know they don't exceed 150 kms? Can you please answer that?

SAY DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': I've tested them myself many times, and we don't have any.

TINY BLEAR: The final question is for Mr. Shrub. Mr. President, is there any way that Say Damn Who's Sayin' can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to reach a negotiated solution?

PRESIDENT SHRUB: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Say Damn must compile 214% with the UN inspectorates, and I mean activated compulsion not passivist compilation.

TANI: (half-asleep) Hmm? Don't you know that yin is more powerful than yang?


YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: Quiet, you evil woman. I am in control of Iraqus Desert Power! I am the successor to the great Moad-deeb!

QUEEN SHEROMAY: Oh my stars! Earth calling Yo Samma, hello?

PRESIDENT SHRUB: Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B I think, which will require him to disarm even more fully that! Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destructionism he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally, there is one more task he must preform, which I am not at liberty to revulge.

And even that will not be enough.


JEFFREY GERBINS: He's speaking in tongues!

PRESIDENT SHRUB: We require nothing less than total disarmature.


TINY BLEAR: I defer to the VC Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr. Colon Poo. Mr. Poo, what is disarmature?

POO: Ah, it means, "the action of disarming" according to the OED.

PRESIDENT SHRUB: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

SAY DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': If it means peace, I will do it.


POO: Mr. Who's Sayin', Did you know that your proper name is an anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?

VAD BORG: Sushi with the exact right red wine is delicious.

QUEEN SHEROMAY: Mmmm, red wine with cheese.

TANI: (stirs in armchair) The Three Cheeses make the Big Cheese. The three is one. But that's that. Then there is this. Thisness is everything. Thatness is the One Darkness which is the Unknown.

ONE DARKNESS: No, I'm part of the thisness. I'm known. Go back to sleep.

YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: Abomination! She spoke of this and that! And what is this and that? Allah is the All in One and the One in All! Allah is coterminous and coexistent with all space and time, even!

JEFFREY GERBINS: Uh... Have you been reading the Necronomicon?

SAY DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': Yes, I've heard them all. But what's this and that?

IN UNISON: Don't ask.

YOSAMMA BEEN LAIDDOWN: Infidel Dogs! Allah will smack down the Unrighteous with his stiff sword of the Righteousness of Islam. All the righteous men shall rule the women, who will henceforth be known as property.

LUCY'S FUR: (fists clenched) You piece of towel headed, camel screwing, dog shit.

QUEEN SHEROMAY: Oh, you say it girl.

PROLLY: Yosamma, yo mamma was a bitch ass ho, yo sista is a bitch as ho. Yo wife is a bitch ass ho.

ONE DARKNESS: Whassamatter Yosamma, your girlfriend left you for another guy? You're a pinky-dicked klippoth!

JEFF GERBLES: Oy! That's a Jewish term.

PRESIDENT SHRUB: I don't eat sushi. Is there, persance, a fish option?

TANI: (starts to wake up from all the noise) Fish person?

PRESIDENT SHRUB: We are going to bomb Iraq, there is no alternator!

QUEEN SHEROMAY: Leave E-rock alone, you can download great MP3's from there.

MINISTER OF THE SINISTER: Bomb Turkey! I hate Turkey and my grandma's stuffing sucked. I hated it all, I hated the sauce I hated the white meat I hated....!"

PRESIDENT SHRUB: (interrupting) Son, you should study geographities with more attentioness and seriousation.

MINISTER OF THE SINISTER: (in a daze) Mmmmm, French fries....

MORE MASTERS: Uh oh, he's going into fits... what's happening.

QUEEN SHEROMAY: (holds head) Oh my stars! Is there a doctor in the house? She, I mean, he is having a positive fit there. Aaahhh! Now I went and messed up my hair.

ONE DARKNESS: He's having a Big Mac Attack.

SAY DAMN WHO'S SAYIN': I am not! Iraq does not possess the chemical weapons technology available to launch a Big Mac Attack.

PRESIDENT SHRUB: You lie! Clinton was seen in this photograph, which I give my word was not doctorated, eating Big Macs with both Say Damn and Yosamma while selling newculer secrets to the Chinese.

MINISTER OF THE SINISTER: Fries... need French fries.... greeeeeeese. I want greese!

PRESIDENT SHRUB: Greece has been our stalwothrious ally on our heroinacious fight against France and their capitulatorial stance towards Iraq.

PROLLY: Say what? Double dagone, man.

TANI: (perks up, wide awake now): DAGON? Oh! My lover! Where?

ALL IN UNISON: You are in the wrong skit. Go click to the other url.

JEFF GERBINS: Oy vey. Such a day. This is a debate?

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