Passed on to us by Comrade Delila
This
is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the USA. The Bank thought it amusing enough
to publish in the New York Times. It does hold promise. And don't you just HATE
those slow voice machines that make you punch numbers 20 times before giving you
the option for an operator? Consider, that damned machine has put our formerly
fast switchboard operators out of work.
Dear
Sirs,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the
check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations,
some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place seven or eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with
$50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness
springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will
our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring
my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of
your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited
and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.
First,
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded,
faceless entity, which our bank has become.
From
now on I, like you, choose to deal only with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage
and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but
will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to
an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.
You
will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status,
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Justice of the Peace must countersign
all copies of his or her medical history, and that the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number,
which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required
to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation
is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further
by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very
much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your
bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time
and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the one, he/she
will be guided through an extensive set of menus:
1.
To make an appointment to see me
2. To query
a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint
or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living
room in case I am there; Extension # of living room to be communicated at the
time the call is received,
5. To transfer the
call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. Extension # of bedroom to be communicated
at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer
the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension # of toilet
to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7.
To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8.
To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9.
To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.
10.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody
Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble
with a guard at every door and the vaults are filled with silver that the miners
sweated for."
After twenty minutes of
that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart, so the lyrics will cease,
although the accompanying music will continue.
On
a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed
out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost, a cost that you
have always been quick to pass on to me.
Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of
advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.
Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time
spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of
the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone
service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free),
so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably,
but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover
the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I
wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous...
Good
Day.
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